Tax season is over. WooHoo!!

Left work early on Wednesday and I have today off. NIce.

Not sure what all I have or have not posted about so here is a small recap of things.

Dating new guy, NDG.  A couple of months ago I would have said that I was in a vanilla relationship in which I am submissive. But that is not the case. I AM submissive. It is who I am. I love taking care of things for him. But I don't think we will remain vanilla.

He joked several times about spanking me. Well, we all know how much I love that, so I said go ahead if you really want to. He finally did. Not a punishment one but a fun one. When it was over I was going to ask him if he liked it but his rock hard dick said it all. I have had several since then and one for punishment.

The other day he was carrying a huge box for me and I asked if he wanted me to get the door. He said yes; so I replied, "Well I have to walk ahead of you then."  His response:

NDG:  Well I don't really like that.

Me: Don't really like what?

NDG: You walking ahead of me. I think you should walk a little behind me.

I was dumbfounded.

It is weird watching his dominance slowly coming out of him. I am just enjoying it.

In other news, my daughter flipped and totaled my car.  It is scary watching all your daughters climb out of an upside down car. Everyone is ok. But it has been a telephone nightmare. Calls to Honda, calls to insurance, calls to bodyshop. Paperwork, paperwork.  And trying to find a vehicle to use. My moms car has been sitting up and I had to get it running in a matter of days. Still needs work but takes me where I need to go.

Well I have a ton to do today. NDG left a list so I better get busy.

later,

Sable

I really expected to log in and see my friends list empty.  I can't even remember the last time I was here.

So I guess it is time for an update.

Job:

My new job is going great, except the hours are killing me. 60 hours a week gets old after 2 months with still 2 months to go. The paychecks are great but I can't wait to be able to sleep in on a saturday again.

Kids:

I did not post about it but just over a month ago, my 17 year old son ran away. He took a but to Galveston, Texas to live with his 14 year old girlfriend and her mother. I spent hours on the phone and in person with 5 different law enforcement agencies and his probation officer. He was finally picked up in Texas, spent 2 weeks in the detention center there before being brought back to Alabama. We have been to court and he now lives at a "boys home" and can come home only on the weekends, if he earns it. Well he screwed up right off and lost coming home for 2 weekends. This weekend is his first weekend home.

When he left he broke his 3 sisters hearts. We had been through so much with him the past 2 years and this was the ultimate betrayal to them. He said that his girlfriend and her mother were the only people who truly loved him. (That is was she has been telling him for a year). After a lot of crying and anger, life moved on. With a free bedroom, they each got their own and spent one whole saturday moving furniture.

We knew if he every came back to Alabama he would not be living here so it seemed the logical thing to do. Now he is here this weekend and, I guess, expected everything to stop for him. His sisters all had plans and while they spent some time with him, they kept their plans. He, as usual, spent the whole weekend on the phone and myspace with the girlfriend and then complained that everyone had just left him.

His sisters were quick to point out that it was HE who left them first.

The court has agreed to keep him on probation until he graduates even though he will be over 18. That is all I can do for him. Make sure he graduates and then it is up to him.

The girls are doing great. After so much focus being on him they needed their lives to get back to normal.

My oldest is still happily married. Working and spending time with his wife. He says life is good.

My second son called and informed me that I am going to be a grandmother. Yes a grandmother.

So, life goes on as it should.

~~~~
more later, NDG  needs something.

I want to be someone's One.

Not a little one; not even in a sub/slave situation. But rather someone's "one". Their other half.

I want them to be as thrilled to see me come home from work as I am to see them.

I don't want to be pampered or spoiled; I just want to be loved.

So I had another date with NDG. We went to a movie and then dinner at my favorite sports bar. While there is still the awkwardness of getting to know each other; there is also an underlying comfortableness (?) that is nice. He is very laid back and can carry on intelligent conversation. 

I started my new job today. The ladies there seem nice so far. I got to do some bookkeeping work for several clients AND start cleaning my new office. OMG it is cluttered and dusty. I HATE DUST.

We will probably only work 1/2 day tomorrow and then off Thursday but I will only be missing about 8 hours of work so not to bad.

I am sorry that I didn't respond to the comments you wonderful people have left lately but things were crazy there for awhile.  Thanks to all of you for caring.

Not much else to report. There has been so much drama in my life lately it is nice to have things settle down.

Sable

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Christmas.

Things here were low key but good. The kids are happy and that is all that matters.

There are a few new things in my life.

1. I gave my notice at work. I have already accepted a new job at another CPA firm. While I enjoy where I work and I enjoy (and will miss) the auditing side of things. I can no longer work with the other auditor in the office. Things got so bad that my boss actually had a meeting with me about it but he is unsure what to do about it. Things as progressively getting worse and came to a head Tuesday a week ago. It was so bad that some of my coworkers went to our boss, without my knowledge, shocked at the way she had treated me.

Everyone else that I work with has individually come into my office and said they are sad to see me go but that they know I am unhappy and she will never change. So until our boss sees her for what she really is, I am not going to subject myself to that much negativtiy. Life is too short.

2.  I went on a date recently. It was fun, also very low key, the conversation good and he made me laugh. I needed that.

Not much else going on right now.

hugs to all of you.

Sable

Going with the intention of picking up the pieces, I have:

1.  Made an appointment with my boss for Friday. He probably assumes I am either quitting or asking for a raise so he has had 3 days to think about it.

2. Posted my resume on several job sites and applied for about 5.

3.  Applied for a home equity loan. I have a lot of equity.

4. In case the above take awhile, I have applied for food stamps. I hated having to do that but the kids gotta eat.

Everything will work out. I have been taking care of myself and the my kids for over 20 years so I know I CAN do it. Just playing catch up.

Am I crying? No.

For months I cried, sobbed and sometimes screamed out of loneliness. Out of no contact, no visits, just lectures, being hung up on, broken up with and unfriended. There was a time we broke up and I begged him to stay with me, promised that I would try to need him less, want him less, be fine with getting nothing but phone sex.

That is not who I am. You want me to put my faith, love and future in your hands? I have to feel loved. And I didn't and I hadn't for a long time. I told him all of this and  more and most of the time, got very little.

I hardly ever cry after a relationship ends, because I have cried while it was dying.

Do I hate him? No.

Even though he left me without a look back. Left me in a very bad financial situation after telling me NOT to look for another job or even ask for a raise. What was the point he said, I would be moving soon. It was "our" money so don't worry about it. Great idea until the one sending the money walks away.

But I am not angry at him. I am angry at myself. Angry that I believed in the fairy tale, that I stopped taking care of myself and trusted someone else to do it.

My kids are taking it the hardest. They put off so much to get ready for the move. First it wasn't going to happen until summer and now not at all. A - one of the high school juniors is having a complete meltdown because she did not take the graduation exams this year. She was planning on taking whatever she needed to in Missouri. I try to tell her that it is not the end of the world. She will still get into college and we will find someway to pay for it. But it is hard for them to understand.

So, NO, I am not crying. I am too busy picking up the pieces and starting over.

I will not be renaming my journal. I did remove my slave number and my journal subtitle and some userpics but the name will stay.  This is MY journal, for me, be me and about me.

~~~~~
We used to talk an average of 5 hours a day. I would call him while headed to the car after work and unless we got off the phone to eat or because we had another call, we talked all the way until bedtime. Talked while cooking, talked while helping with homework. We watched movies together and once we attempted to read a book togeher. We spent 6 months like that. Every minute of every day, every detail of activity was shared with each other. We talked about everything and anything.

Then one day it stopped.

As soon as the weather warmed up, he started going to the pool at the apartement complex where he was living. He would take something to eat with him so he did not have to return to the apartment. He could not talk because he was sweaty or wet or it was too noisy. He could not text because the sun was too bright and he could not see the screen.  He would also do this on the weekend, when I had uninterrupted time to talk to him. (It was by the pool where he finished the book we were reading together, without me.)

Then there was finding a house, getting the house, moving into the house and looking for a job. He blamed his lack of time and attention on stress and promised everything would be better once he started working. It didn't.

Yes his job is demanding.
Yes he is getting a divroce.
Yes he is trying to get joint custody.
Yes he is raising a 15 year old alone.

All of you know that I have a job, a mother in an assisted living facilty and 4 teenagers at home. Yes, I get that his life is stressful; who's isn't. But I still needed and wanted him.  He could call me on the way to Home Depot and find me crying and needing him, but would not take 5 mintues to talk to me if it meant changing his schedule.

I went from asking for attention, to demanding it, to just constantly crying over being lonely. From him, I either got a lecture on trying to "tell him what to do" or a pity party about how he obviously wasn't enough. His favorite thing to do was to tell me it was over and unfriend me here. He always had time to unfriend but never time to refriend.


Somewhere along the way the man died and all that was left was the dom. He would tell me all the things I would be doing for him once we were together - because he said so. Hell most of them I would do because that is who I am, but I felt he never wanted to hear that. He had a list of rules whether they were needed or not.  So basically, anyone could take my place as long as they simply obey.

Nothing wrong with that if that is the kind of relationship both people want, but that was not what he said he wanted in the beginning.

Maybe I wasn't submissive enough for him, perhaps he needs more than I could give.

Maybe one day he will find it.

Sable