He kissed me goodbye for work and right before walking out he said, "be slutty when I get home".
The D/s is going well. Slow but well. I'm chained to the bed every night with almost enough to reach the toilet. Lol. I still have bruises on my inner thighs from being caned over the weekend and He is interested in rope bondage.
I want it all NOW but am trying to be patient.
We have decided to try a D/s relationship again. Working on our communication and taking it slow. Well I've had 2 spankings in 2 days so that's a plus. He wanted back the woman he met 5 years ago. I told him he needed to be dominate if he wanted me to be submissive. Without I do things my way. We will see.
I am broken.
We probably should never have gotten married. In our first 1 1/2 years together, he lied, left and cheat 22 times.
When I finally uncovered what he had been doing, I found out our whole life to that point had been a lie. She had been involved in EVERY aspect of it. He would tell me that me or my kids were the reason he left when in reality it was just to go back to her.
So why did I marry him after all that?
I thought he needed forgiveness. I thought he needed love. Unconditional love. And that we would build a great foundation from it all.
Now, he has not cheated in the past 2 years. I give him credit for that. But what I got in return for my forgiveness is not enough. If that makes me a bad person then so be it.
He is very selfish. Our whole relationship is about him.
He is not affectionate at all. We don't hold hand, hug or even kiss regularly. Sex is once a month.
He never wanted kids and has said, often, he married by because mine were older and not babies.
He has also said several times that he did NOT sign on for grandchildren.
He is a very critical and negative person.
He also says, often, that my children need someone to teach them responsibility. (He swears that is not him calling me a bad mother) My kids are not bad kids. No drugs, no jail, no dropping out of school. My oldest daughter, 20, had my youngest granddaughter. (Her twin brother had the oldest.one 5 months earlier,) Yes she lives at home, but she also working and in college. Pays for everything for her and baby. If I can help out so that she finishes college and has her career AND I get to be with the grandbaby, I call it a good thing.
He sees it as a failure on my part of raising her.
Now I am not laying all the blame on him. I am not perfect either and maybe I am wrong for wanting "more" than what I got after all I put up with.
My children informed me that they have been talking and think I should get a divorce. They hate the way he treats me.
I had no idea they even saw that much of it.
Yet, with all that, all the justification to divorce, WHY do I feel like the bad guy?
Why do I feel like I am letting him down?
I want a life with someone who LOVES me, WANTS me. Wants to have happy times with me, not just point out the negative ALL THE TIME.
Why do I feel I don't deserve it???
- Current Mood:sad
but I almost had an orgasm reading the contract in "Fifty Shades of Gray".
Some days I can convince myself that my kink-less, intimacy-less marriage is enough.
Other days I hurt wishing he was crazy in love with me and wanted me like I want him.
Today is one of those "other" days.
- Current Mood:sad
Yesterday I took my last final of this semester. As on most college campuses, parking is an issue and I had to park quite aways from the class. As I was walking back to my car I was thinking how I felt differently as an undergrade. In those days I would often crisscross campus to get from one class to the next. I always had a bookbag/backpack and one year I even had one with wheels. (I am over 40 lol)
Even though I live in a neighboring state, I was lucky to find people who live near me that were also going to UWF. We took almost every class together. There was hardly a day that I walked to a class alone. I knew people in my class, we talked often, studied together. I LOVED going to school. I made great grades and the years flew by.
Yesterday was totally different. Most Masters classes are online. To provide more flexibility since even people who went to college straight out of high school would now be working. I don't know my classmates, I study alone, at home. Even my family doesn't "get" how much time I need to study. And after work, dinner, spending time with kids and husband, when I finally sit down to teach myself the material - I am exhausted. And alone.
I think that is what I hate the most. I enjoy the interaction and learning when I am on campus. But since school is 1 to 1 1/2 hours away, it is hard to leave work, especially during tax season.
I have no motivation, no drive. I am not enjoying school now.
I need to find a way to "get it together" for my last 6 classes. 6!! Yes that is all and I will have my Masters degree. The joy from that fact needs to carry me on.